Thanks for visiting our online shop, please don't come back

I've done a spot of online shopping this morning. I bought a collection of cables & leads to connect my computer to my TV. It was all pretty straightforward; I found what I wanted in the online shop, added the item to my 'basket' and paid by using Google Checkout.

Got an email receipt from Google and another from the retailer. All's well.

Half-an-hour later I get a second email from the retailer.

"Thank you for stopping by", it says "We noticed that during your visit to our site you placed the following item(s) in your shopping cart, but did not complete the transaction."

It then describes the item I've just bought.

Oh. Perhaps the purchase didn't work. But hang on, I've got a receipt for my payment via Google. Perhaps there's a problem with the online shop.

There's a "Recover Your Basket" link in the email. Maybe I should click that.

"We are always interested in knowing what reason made you decide not to purchase at this time. If you could be so kind as to let us know if you had any issues or concerns, we would appreciate it. We are asking for feedback from you and others as to how we can make your experience better."

That's nice. But what about those cables and leads I've ordered?

"If the price was an issue, we can provide you with 5% off this purchase with us, if you come back today!"

You WHAT? I've already paid for the goods, you're telling me you've already mislaid my order and now you want to give me a discount.

"PLEASE NOTE: If you selected either PayPal or Google Checkout as a payment option, or purchased from our Ebay Store then please just ignore this email!"

Oh, that's alright then. I'll ignore the discount I could have had if I'd prevaricated. I'll ignore your poor attempt at customer service. That jolly exclamation mark makes it all okay. Thank you. I won't be back.

Super injunctions? Take a tip from the mobile industry

This morning I walked past the rack of newspapers in my local shop. Alongside the shocking news that the Duchess of Cambridge actually buys food - don’t get me started! - were headlines about Gabby Logan. The TV presenter was denying she’d had an affair with Alan Shearer, which many people had previously suggested was concealed by a so-called super injunction.

“What does this have to do with mobile phones?”, I hear you ask. Not much, to be honest. But it reminded me of a telecoms news story from November 2009.

Back then, the Information Commissioner’s Office announced it had “been working with a mobile telephone company” after the firm appeared to have discovered a number of employees selling information about customers’ mobile phone contracts.

It didn’t reveal which company it had been talking to… but after Vodafone, O2, Orange and Three had all issued denials, T-Mobile eventually confirmed it was the network involved.

And that got me thinking.

Gabby’s set the ball rolling. All we need is a few more denials to help narrow down the super-injunctees. Assuming, of course, anyone really cares who they are.

Okay, I’ll get back to work now. Hang on… she put WHAT in her shopping trolley?