The word is... word

It was bound to happen eventually. Today's OED Word of the Day is...

The man with no name

This is not the way to make your customers feel good about themselves!

If it's free, it's worth nothing

Last week I received a mailshot that had travelled through time. I know this because the style and premise were so archaic, so ill-suited to the 21st century, they could not possibly have originated in the last 25 years.

The envelope was plain white with a red postage logo hinting at a bulk mailing. But nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I opened it. This wasn't contemporary direct mail, it was a marketing Sutton Hoo.

Inside was a letter, an order form and eight Christmas cards with envelopes. Each card had a different hand-painted design.

"Dear Sir/Madam", read the letter. "Christmas is drawing near and I write on behalf of my fellow artists to introduce our work - all created with the brush held in the mouth or feet".

It went on to say "Only by approaching you in this way can we adequately describe the background of these cards."

"Our aim is to support ourselves through the sale of our cards."

"The price for the set is £6.95... You are of course under no obligation to buy or return the set".

And that's where the letter is wrong. Those cards don't have a value of £6.95. They have a value of nothing. Sod all. I've been sent them without asking for them. If I don't want them, I can keep them anyway. Therefore they have no value.

Which is how I knew this strange little package had travelled through time. I reckon it would have worked fifty years ago. But not today.

Buying these cards supports talented artists. But you can't really use the cards, not now. Not here in 2010. What if your friends think you didn't pay for them? Of course you wouldn't do a thing like that, but... And what about the supposed £6.95 value? What's a £6.95 pack of cards worth when one in ten packs is wasted because the recipient doesn't want them? What if it's nine out of ten packs thrown away (or used without payment)? If you receive one, are you helping support the artists or are you getting one of those free cards that were too good for the sender to throw away?

Yes, I know, I know, there are undoubtedly economic reasons for the Mouth and Foot Painting Artists partnership doing things this way instead of just sending an order form or asking for unwanted cards to be returned. But, as I've said before, I neither want unnecessary gifts nor charitable blackmail. And, as the 21st century progresses, I'd like to think those marketing techniques will go the way of the dinosaurs.

I wish those artists every success. But I wish they'd drag their marketing out of the 1950s.

When did opt-out become the new opt-in?

Robin Hood, eh? When he wasn’t riding through the glen – or wooing Maid Marian – he was taking from the rich to give to the poor. What a nice chap.

Except… well… not if you’re one of the rich.

Now, in defence of Robin Hood, he (a) may not have existed and (b) didn’t necessarily rob everyone who had money. “But loke ye do no husbonde harme, that tilleth with his ploughe. No more ye shall no gode yeman that walketh by gren-wode shawe; ne no knyght ne no squyer that wol be a gode felawe.” At least, that's what the kids sang in 1450.

However, I can’t help feel there’s a similarity between Mr Hood and today’s trend for opt-out charitable donations.

Head for a restaurant and you may find an extra £1 added to the bill to help the homeless. Oh yes, you can ask for it to be removed, but it’s already there and you need to opt-out. (And what sort of cad would do that?)

It’s the same when you head to a De Vere hotel. They’re adding £1 to your bill and giving it to the Variety Club.

When did this become an acceptable form of promotion? If a restaurant added a bottle of wine to the bill – “it’s okay, we’ll take it off if you insist” – we’d be livid. If hotels charged us for the movie channel – “tell us when you check-out if you didn’t watch it” – we’d probably never return. If every Big Issue seller picked our pocket for £1.70 when we walked past – but published a disclaimer on their ID badge – we wouldn’t be particularly happy.

It’s also worth noting that the establishments themselves don’t mention any donation they’re making. Sure, they’re promoting the schemes and they’re collecting the money, but there’s little or no expenditure. To quote StreetSmart, “The scheme is a very cost efficient way for restaurants to fulfil their social and community responsibility.”

So here’s an idea. First, give me a choice. You’ve already put a leaflet in my hotel room, why not let me put it ‘yes’ side up if I want to make a donation? Better still, why not offer to match my donation? If you can’t afford to do that, perhaps you could let me opt-out of having my towels changed in return for a matched donation? Maybe I could choose a smaller portion at the restaurant and the restaurateur could give some of their money, too?

Surely charities should follow the lead of marketers, who are encouraged to only contact customers that have opted-in to receive communications. This isn’t just backed-up by the law, it’s backed-up by common sense. No-one wants to be hassled into doing something – even if it’s a good thing they end up doing.

It's AW10!

I know I'm going to sound grumpy. But if it takes much longer than a split-second for me to work out what your marketing email is talking about, either you've sent it to the wrong person or you've messed up the subject line. I'm assuming AW10 is autumn/winter 2010... but why should I need to assume?

Dedit order

I've just received an email about a Lloyds Cheuqe warning me that my Bank Account Statement Show Ј560.99 Dedit Order. Oh no! I've not written a cheuqe for a J560.99 dedit. I must CLICK HERE at once. Hold on… this isn't one of those spam emails, is it?






NB: Loving the 'smiley' in the subject line.

And the FBI said...

Here's a lovely spam email that claims to be from the FBI. I particularly liked the inconsistent use of capital letters and the appearance of phrases that definitely aren't in the FBI style guide. I've removed the alleged contact details but nothing else is changed.

ROBERT MUELLER III
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET

ATTENTION:

We believe this notification meets you in a very good present state of mind and health. We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay.Having said all this, we will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank office accordingly as we will be monitoring all their services wit h you as well as your corresponde

In addendum, also be informed that we recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Lamido Sanusi along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim. They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the Central Bank office.We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from OHIO has already contacted them and also presented to them all the necessary documentations evidencing your claim purported to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund but the Central Bank office did the wise.

They further informed us that we should warn our dear citizens who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to this irregularities so that they don't fall victim to this ugly circumstance. And should in case you are already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bankof Nigeria, you are further advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest and then contact immediately the real office of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only with the below informations accordingly:

NAME: STEVE WALES
Tel:+234xxxxxxxxxxx
Email: stevewalesxxx@xxxxxxmail.com

You are therefore adviced to fill out your info and forward it to the office above for authorisation


YOUR FULL NAMES_________________________ _____________________

YOUR CONTACT ADDRESS_______________________ _________________

TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBERS_______________________ ___________________

OCCUPATION____________________ __________________________



NOTE:
In your best interest, any message and phone number that doesn't come from the above official email address and phone numbers should not be replied to and should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will advise that you contact the Central Bank office immediately with the above email address and request that they attend to your payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly.Ensure you follow all their procedure as may be required by them as that will further help hasten up the whole procedures as regards to the transfer of your fund to you as designated. Also have in mind that the Central Bank of Nigeria equally have their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms, so delay could be very dangerous. Once again, we will advise that you contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary informations which they may require from you prior to the release o f your fund to you accordingly.

All modalities has already been worked out even before you were contacted and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you and the Central Bank of Nigeria. Without wasting much time, will want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.Should in case you need any more informations in regards to this notification,feel free to get back to us so that we can brief you more as we are here to guide you during and after this project has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated.Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.

Best Regards,
Robert S. Mueller III
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA
Email:muellerxxxx@xxx .com